Find your person
+ Q&A on infertility with Humanize Infertility creator
My first pregnancy lasted nine weeks before I miscarried. I told two, maybe three, people at the time. My partner told no one.
When I got pregnant the second time, I waited many months before telling anyone. We didn’t tell our families (parents included) until after the 20-week ultrasound. By then, I was sporting a very noticeable baby bump (which I had hidden under many, many sweaters).
Few people knew that my husband and I were actively trying. The process of trying to conceive (TTC) is not something we, as a society, like to talk about. I think, in part, because of shame. Women are supposed to be fertile; they’re supposed to be able to have children naturally. Getting pregnant is supposed to be easy…
Spoiler alert: it’s not. In fact, it’s really, really hard.
Nobody tells you this, of course. You grow up thinking that if you don’t use protection you’ll get pregnant and then years — decades — later when you decide you’re ready for a family you learn that, oh wait, you can’t just get pregnant any day of your cycle.
Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who got pregnant within a few months. Maybe you’ve never experienced a loss. Maybe you’ve never had to explore alternative paths to parenthood. Maybe you don’t want kids. That’s amazing. I’m happy for you. Truly.
For many of us, that’s not the experience. Studies show that one in six adults experiences infertility and 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. In 2021, 2.3% of infants born in the U.S. were conceived using assisted reproductive technology (ART).
The journey to parenthood shouldn’t be so hard.
We should be educated on the menstrual cycle at a much earlier age. We should know our hormone levels — and what optimal levels look like. We should have access to affordable genetic testing. We should be trying to figure out the underlying causes of infertility and pregnancy loss. We shouldn’t have to wait a full year before finding out we can’t conceive or sustain a pregnancy. We should be given support in the aftermath of a loss rather than be told “come back when you’re pregnant again.” We should be trying to solve the underlying causes.
But this isn’t the reality for most people — and chances are you’re among one of the many couples who has or will experience infertility, pregnancy loss, or challenges on your path to parenthood.
In today’s Q&A, Dr. Sherer and I talk about the emotional toll of infertility specifically, what it’s like for so many women going through it, and why it’s so important to find a person — just one — who can escort you on the journey.
Maybe it’s a friend, a parent, a therapist. Maybe it’s an online support group full of women who are going through similar experiences. This person can help console you, make you laugh, distract you, or simply be there for you when you need them. If you have more than one person, great, but one is enough.
Hillary Sherer, PhD, is a writer, researcher, and creator of Humanize Infertility. She has spent over 15 years studying, researching, and analyzing the infertility space.
Her passion for the work began her freshman year of college when she first started clinical research. She was deeply involved in vascular research at the time and when she started her graduate research she couldn’t believe the fertility space, which focused on cutting-edge technology, was so unregulated.
Many called it the “wild, wild west of medicine,” she explained, because there were so few parameters and guidelines protecting the individuals involved.
She did her dissertation on egg donation and the risks and benefits involved – and while she could have pursued a career in academia, Dr. Sherer wanted to work on the ground to bring greater awareness to the information surrounding infertility for those experiencing it. She has since used her research background and storytelling skills to shine a light on the industry and the challenges that so many are facing.
In our discussion, we cover the emotional aspects of infertility, what Dr. Sherer has found most surprising over the years, and what the industry is still getting wrong all these years later.
Q: What does your day-to-day look like?
I’m currently in the middle of a book project, so I’m doing a lot of interviews and research. I'm interviewing individuals who have experience with infertility. I'm talking to experts, physicians and researchers. I’m very interested right now in the environmental aspects and how they impact hormones and infertility.
The book is rooted in the infertility stories women have shared with me to humanize the experience and also the person who has been asked to dance with the hardships and sharp edges of infertility. That's where a lot of my focus is because I believe that before we create any change, we have to listen. I think that has been missed so much, especially in the infertility space.
Sure, some people are getting access to IVF and these [assisted reproductive] technologies, but so many keep telling me, ‘I can have a baby at the end of it, but it felt like someone just threw spaghetti at the wall. They can't tell me what's wrong with my body,’ or ‘there’s a red flag going on in my body. Maybe I'm not meant to be a home for another little one and okay, we got it to work, but why wasn't it working before?’ ‘If I want to have another baby, I’m still infertile.’ I’m able to have these conversations and really listen to see where the pain points are for those individuals and what kind of support they need. It goes so far beyond the physical aspect of it.
Q: Throughout your research, what has been the most surprising revelation or discovery?
I think it's going back to this emotional aspect of it. The technology has advanced so much, but the numbers aren’t going down and I don't think it's because we're just talking about it more. I think there’s a root cause that people aren't fully getting to, and we aren’t looking at the impact on the emotional and mental health of women. It’s not being fully addressed and it's so important.
Listening to these women, every single time, it’s the mental burden that is the heaviest to hold. Hearing what they've gone through physically is shocking – like someone going through nine cycles with repeated miscarriages. But it’s also surprising to hear how they can go through a miscarriage, and the fertility clinic just says, ‘okay, when you're done, just call us back when you're ready to start again,’ as if it’s just a daily business for them, and these individuals just become a number in the system.
We all know that healthcare is very much a business, but, you know, I named my project Humanizing Infertility on purpose, and it still shocks me every single time to hear how so much of the human is actually lost in this process, when they're going through it. What keeps motivating me to keep doing this work is when I hear someone talking about that emotional and mental component and the permanent imprint it has left on them.
Q: It’s interesting because so many people are experiencing infertility, but so few talk openly about it. I think most will talk about it later, but it’s such an emotional process when you’re going through it.
When you’re going through things like this, it’s painful. No one can take any of that away. But when they feel completely alone in it, that it just feels like they’re drowning in it. That’s where a lot of my work is right now. Storytelling is one of those ways where you can reflect something back and someone sees themselves in it. The humanizing part for me is being able to see the person in their entirety, and that means all of the feelings they are holding, all of the experiences they are going through, and being able to decrease the space between you and that person.
Decreasing that space, you can say, ‘I see you in all of this, and I understand all of this, and I'll just sit with you during this.’ It even goes beyond infertility, especially with family and friends, who you expect the most from, and when you don't receive that support in the way you were thinking, it can hurt even more. So they find these other areas of support.
When I finish every interview, I ask people ‘what would you tell yourself or someone still walking their path of infertility?’ and so many people say, ‘find your community, find your people.’ It could even mean one person. It doesn’t need to be on Instagram; you don’t have to put your whole journey out there. Sometimes it simply helps to read others’ stories, but you want to find that one person who you can unravel with. It’s so important.
Q: So much is happening in the infertility space. What do you think is most exciting?
There's so much more on the genetic side that I think is really exciting. That goes for both men and women. I think men get forgotten in this and they're over a third of the reason for infertility issues. All over the media they’re saying men’s sperm counts are decreasing, but we’ve seen in the research they’ve been decreasing for 40 years. They're just now popping up in our headlines.
The genetic side is really interesting and I think that's where I think a lot of people will see benefit from the technology. The quality and percision of genetic tests are increasing in what they can share and tell us about our bodies and our chances of making a healthy baby.
I talked to someone who spent a year doing her own treatments before anyone looked at her husband and once they did, they found he had no sperm in his sample. A reproductive urologist spent five minutes with this couple and said, ‘has anyone done any genetic testing on you?’ When they did the testing, they found he didn’t have any sperm in his sample because he actually had cystic fibrosis.
Other people had very late miscarriages and later discovered a genetic issue was to blame. It’s still very expensive, but a lot of these issues have a genetic component and I hope it can become more readily accessible and not so expensive.
Q: Can you talk about the distinction between normalize and humanize and why you chose the latter?
When I started this research, it was one in eight experiencing infertility; now it’s one in six. I imagine that number is going to change again and I don’t want to talk about how to normalize the experience of infertility. We need to humanize it, and shine a light on the struggles of infertility to uplift and honor those bravely fighting for hope and desire.
I want it to be normal to talk about infertility, but I don't want it to be normal to experience it. It goes back to women being given more information about their bodies. Even with sex education, we should be letting both girls and boys learn more about their body and fertility. The recent news regarding metal found in tampons is a great example. We need to know what we're putting in our body and how that's affecting our hormones. We need to keep bringing these issues to light. We need to humanize the experience so that people keep talking about it and researching it.
When I’m interviewing these women, I learn something new every time. I’ve had two children, and still, I think, ‘gosh, I didn’t even know that was a possibility.’ I’ve learned so much about myself through this process, too.
Q: Can you tell me more about the Humanize Infertility community?
I like to say it's a safe place to land for someone who is going through it, or has gone through it. It's a safe place to feel empowered with knowledge, hope, and connection. It's a place where you can read about other people's stories and safely share your own.
A lot of people love to write and share their own essays. I’m giving them these opportunities to share their stories in their own words. I really wanted to provide a community of support off of Instagram and I hope Humanize Infertility can grow into something that incorporates education - so hearing from researchers, participating in fireside chats and retreats.
Q: What is something surprising about infertility that someone might not know about?
I think it’s common to go into treatment thinking, one embryo equals one baby, and it’s going to work on the first try. The thing that continues to shock people is that this technology is not a guarantee. You're paying for hope. While the technology continues to advance, it is not a guarantee for anything. How someone then has to carry that information is shocking to me. Fertility clinics know they’re not guaranteeing a baby, and there’s an educational component missing and a lack of emotional support provided. Many women I have interviewed have discussed how their fertility clinic truly feels like It’s a business and they are just a number.
Q: Yeah, it’s a down payment. It’s expensive.
Their life revolves around infertility, including the financial burden they incur. They don't go on vacations and you can’t because you don’t know where you’ll be in your next cycle. They don't buy a house or do home improvement projects at their house. Somebody I interviewed moved states for a job with better fertility coverage, but lived with their in-laws to save every bit that they could. People flip everything upside down to undergo infertility treatments. From an outsider's perspective, those who haven't gone through infertility, that can be shocking – the length that people go to and the financial aspect of it. Infertility takes over every minute, every thought.
Q: Yeah, and it’s exhausting, too. For my final question, I’d love to know: what healthy habit can you not live without?
Meditation. I meditate for 15 mins every day and my second habit I can’t live without its movement. I start each day by giving myself a quiet moment, without looking at my phone. It’s been life-changing. I started meditating after my daughter was born, and did it every day I was pregnant with my son who is very chill. My children are five and three and when they ask why I sit quietly every morning. I tell them because it makes me a better mommy. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. If you give more to yourself, you can give more to others.
Mind
On a molecular level, it seems men and women have different brains — and are prone to experiencing different mental health issues.
Body
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Beyond
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