Surviving, not thriving
On one year of sleep deprivation
This month, I’m approaching one full year of motherhood.
With that comes many exciting milestones (a birthday, new words, first steps), but all I keep thinking is, “I’ve been sleep deprived for a whole year.”
I know, I know, sleep is bad for all parents. I’m not here to say my family’s sleep has been worse than yours. I just know our sleep has been really, really bad.
Even my mother, a baby whisperer, is shocked by how hard it is to get my child sleeping. I’m not going into more details about my child’s sleep or what we’ve done to address it (that is a much longer story). What I really want to focus on is sleep deprivation.
Sleep deprivation is inadequate or insufficient sleep sustained over a period of time.
Before pregnancy, I needed at least eight hours of sleep to function well. My partner and I would joke that I wouldn’t be able to handle middle-of-the-night wakes or even late nights with a new baby, because as soon as the clock turned 11pm, I would turn to mush. I would get grumpy and overtired. My restless legs would ache.
But here I am, living, breathing, working, and parenting — and all I keep thinking is, how is this even possible?
I haven’t slept through the night in over a year. Most nights, my longest stretch of sleep is three hours.
Every night, I have to put on magnesium lotion or I’ll be kicking my legs ferociously by 1am. My eyes ache come morning. My pelvic floor is still weak, because I don’t have time to stretch and strengthen.
My husband and I keep reminding ourselves, “We’re in survival mode,” but how long can you live in survival mode? At what point do you move from surviving to maintaining or ideally, thriving?
For months, people would tell me, “It gets easier.” But it hasn’t.
Is it worth it? For me, 1000% yes, no question. But it’s still really, really hard and I understand how we and our relationships suffer as a result. How can they not? If you barely have time to brush your teeth and wash the dishes, how can you find quality time with yourself, let alone your partner?
I know I’m not alone in this.
Data shows that 71.9% of parents get insufficient sleep three nights a week or more — and eight in ten parents feel heightened parental stress or guilt when sleep deprived. Studies have also found that women are still relatively sleep deprived, both in terms of quality and quantity, for as long as four to six years after their first child’s birth.
Sleep deprivation — and general sleep inadequacy — is a major health concern. Arguably, one of the biggest. And it goes hand-in-hand with stress.
Sleep deprivation not only effects your day-to-day functioning, hindering your ability to concentrate, react, and learn, and causing symptoms like low energy, drowsiness, and irritability, but it can lead to heart disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, obesity, depression, and other chronic health and mental health conditions.
Great, that’s great, you’re thinking, but my children don’t sleep so I don’t sleep and I’m stressed, which makes it even harder to fall asleep and stay asleep. What the heck am I supposed to do?
I get it. It’s hard, especially while maintaining a home, keeping a relationship, taking care of children, working, completing never-ending to-do lists, etc. It’s even harder when your child(ren) don’t sleep through the night or wake frequently, disrupting the very little sleep you do have.
I’m not here to tell you to sleep more (though you certainly should if you can), but I will share what’s worked for me.
How I’ve survived on minimal sleep
If this helps, great. If not, ignore! These are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the past year — and what’s worked for me.
Healthy foods, movement, and sunlight really do make a difference. These things keep your energy up and your immune system running.
Time management is a must. If you only have one hour to yourself, you have to be smart on how you use that time. Scrolling social media endlessly is not going to make you feel better and it’s not going to set you up for success.
You and your partner are on the same team.
Intimacy occurs throughout the day. It doesn’t take much time or effort to hold hands, hug each other, say “I love you,” say “thank you,” or bring your partner a coffee.
Childcare is wildly challenging. I was not prepared and the only lesson I’ve learned is that it helps to build your network of support, whether it’s family, occasional sitters, or friends. But this one is always going to be a challenge. Just accept that.
Don’t count the time spent breastfeeding. Do reward yourself for making it this long. It doesn’t matter if it’s been one month or one year, you’ve been a nutritional source for your child. This is an incredible feat. You should be proud.
Naps are not realistic for most of us. Just ignore any advice that includes napping.
Caffeine can help. It can also make things harder. Use it wisely. Consider decaf for the afternoons / evenings or switch to non-caffeinated drinks.
Book the appointments. I know you don’t have time to shower, but you still have to get dental cleanings, visit the doctor, go to therapy, etc. If you can find time for your child’s pediatrician visits, you can find time for your own appointments.
Focus on the present moment as best as you can. Rehashing the previous night and all the wake-ups that occurred helps no one. When people ask, tell them you don’t want to talk about it. Trust me, this is easier than trying to recall the 1am wake, 2am wake, 4am wake… just leave the past in the past when it comes to poor sleep.
Prioritize your self-care. This starts with basic hygiene. Every morning, after changing my child’s diaper, I floss and brush my teeth, wash my face, put on my skincare. During this time, my child plays with various bathroom items, reads, pulls on my leg, or sits on my hip… but it’s a non-negotiable for me.
Improve the sleep you do have. While I’d love to say “put your phone in another room,” that’s not realistic, especially if you’re trying to stay awake at 3am to transfer your child back to bed. It does help to limit your screen time (and blue light). Listen to podcasts or books on audio. Read on a Kindle. This will save your eyes. It can also make it easier to return to sleep after middle-of-the-night wakes.
Split the night in half. If you and your partner can manage it, I’ve found this to be the most effective way to get bigger stretches of sleep. Of course, this isn’t entirely doable for breastfeeding parents, especially if your child refuses to take a bottle (what fun times).
At bedtime, try to shorten your time to sleep. This might mean brushing your teeth and washing your face before beginning your child’s routine. This might mean reading an actual book vs. watching TV. Give yourself the best chance to fall asleep quickly.
Driving while sleep deprived can be problematic. Studies show that drowsy driving can be just as dangerous as drunk driving. I know, I know, you have places to go, people to see. Just try and be more mindful of your tired state. If you’re getting fatigued, especially on longer drives, take a break. You can also pull over and take a 20 minute nap. I know it’s annoying, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
For those that have battled sleep deprivation, how did you survive it? What advice would you give to me and others?
Mind
“Parental stress” has been deemed a public health issue by our U.S. Surgeon General. Not only does he outline the many challenges facing today’s parent (paid parental leave and childcare being among the top), he offers action steps — from policy changes to one-on-one support from family & friends. What can we learn from this? Parenting in today’s world is really, really hard and we need everyone to work together to ease the burdens.
Body
All mammograms going forward will include information on breast density, as required by the FDA. The more dense your breasts, the higher your risk of developing breast cancer and the harder it is to detect breast cancer.
Apparently you can make up for bad sleep — and doing so can lower your heart disease risk.
New study shows women with endometriosis face a much higher risk of developing ovarian cancer.
Beyond
The Biden-Harris Administration recently announced they’re investing over $558 million into maternal health initiatives, including maternal, infant, and early childhood home visiting.
Hinge Health and Midi Health have partnered together to support women in perimenopause and menopause. This new partnership will help women address musculoskeletal symptoms, such as joint and muscle pain.
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